Thus, in my tenth and
eleventh years, I came to dream of life as a connected whole without
contradictions. Everywhere to find life, harmony, freedom from
contradictions, and so to recognise with a keener and clearer perception
the life-unity after which I dimly groped, was the silent longing of my
heart, the mainspring of my existence. But the way thither through the
usual school course, all made up of separate patches, considering things
merely in their outward aspect, and connected by mere arbitrary
juxtaposition, was too lifeless to attract me; I could not remember
things merely put together without inner connection, and so it came
about that after two of my elder brothers had devoted themselves to
study, and because my third brother showed great capacity for study
also, my own education was narrowed; but so much the more closely did a
loving, guiding providence bind my heart in communion with Nature.[88]
In silent, trustful association with Nature and my mathematics, I lived
for several years after my confirmation. In the latter part of the time
my duties led me towards the study of natural laws, and thus towards the
perception of the unity so often longed for in soul and spirit, and now
at last gradually becoming clear from amidst the outwardly clashing
phenomena of Nature.
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