He
was grieved that he had thus obeyed in words only the law which places
the love of God before the love of self; and it was a gentle grief, not
because it was easy to find excuses for this error, to impute it to
teachers, but because it was sweet to feel his own minuteness in the
wave of grace which enveloped him. And he felt his own minuteness in
that past, spoiled by imperfect beliefs, influenced by the uprising of
the senses, in the central depression of his life, which had been one
vast tissue of sensuality, of weakness, of contradictions, of lies. He
felt his own minuteness in his life after his conversion, the impulse
and work of an inner Will, which had prevailed against his own will, and
during this last period it seemed to him, he himself had weighted the
scales against the good impulse. He longed to drop off this "self" which
held him back like a heavy garment. He saw that the affection for the
Vision was part of this burdensome "self." He aspired to Divine Truth in
all its mystery, whatever it might be, and gave himself to Divine Truth
with such violence of desire that the spasm of it nearly rent him
asunder.
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