I prayed three times every day, and seven
times on the Sabbath; but, the more frequently and fervently that I
prayed, I sinned still the more. About this time, and for a long
period afterwards, amounting to several years, I lived in a
hopeless and deplorable state of mind; for I said to myself, "If my
name is not written in the book of life from all eternity, it is in
vain for me to presume that either vows or prayers of mine, or
those of all mankind combined, can ever procure its insertion
now." I had come under many vows, most solemnly taken, every
one of which I had broken; and I saw with the intensity of
juvenile grief that there was no hope for me. I went on sinning
every hour, and all the while most strenuously warring against
sin, and repenting of every one transgression as soon after the
commission of it as I got leisure to think. But, oh, what a
wretched state this unregenerated state is, in which every effort
after righteousness only aggravates our offences! I found it vanity
to contend; for, after communing with my heart, the conclusion
was as follows: "If I could repent me of all my sins, and shed
tears of blood for them, still have I not a load of original
transgression pressing on me that is enough to crush me to the
lowest hell.
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