I was utterly
confounded at the multitude of my transgressions; for I was
sensible that there were great numbers of sins of which I had
never been able thoroughly to repent, and these momentary ones,
by moderate calculation, had, I saw. long ago, amounted to a
hundred and fifty thousand in the minute, and I saw no end to the
series of repentances to which I had subjected myself. A life-time
was nothing to enable me to accomplish the sum, and then being,
for anything I was certain of, in my state of nature, and the grace
of repentance withheld from me--what was I to do, or what was
to become of me? In the meantime, I went on sinning without
measure; but I was still more troubled about the multitude than
the magnitude of my transgressions, and the small minute ones
puzzled me more than those that were more heinous, as the latter
had generally some good effects in the way of punishing wicked
men, froward boys, and deceitful women; and I rejoiced, even
then in my early youth, at being used as a scourge in the hand of
the Lord; another Jehu, a Cyrus, or a Nebuchadnezzar.
On the whole, I remember that I got into great confusion relating
to my sins and repentances, and knew neither where to begin nor
how to proceed, and often had great fears that I was wholly
without Christ, and that I would find God a consuming fire to me.
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