I did consider it, and that right seriously as well as
frequently; and there was scarcely an hour in the day on which
my resolves were not animated by my great friend, till at length I
began to have a longing desire to kill my brother, in particular.
Should any man ever read this scroll, he will wonder at this
confession, and deem it savage and unnatural. So it appeared to
me at first, but a constant thinking of an event changes every one
of its features. I have done all for the best, and as I was prompted,
by one who knew right and wrong much better than I did. I had a
desire to slay him, it is true, and such a desire too as a thirsty man
has to drink; but, at the same time, this longing desire was
mingled with a certain terror, as if I had dreaded that the drink for
which I longed was mixed with deadly poison. My mind was so
much weakened, or rather softened about this time, that my faith
began a little to give way, and I doubted most presumptuously of
the least tangible of all Christian tenets, namely, of the
infallibility of the elect. I hardly comprehended the great work I
had begun, and doubted of my own infallibility, or that of any
created being.
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