Not, I am thankful
to say, that I have the faintest doubts about the Church of England,
and I could subscribe cordially to every one of the thirty-nine
articles which do indeed appear to me to be the ne plus ultra of human
wisdom, and Paley, too, leaves no loophole for an opponent; but I am
sure I should be running counter to your wishes if I were to conceal
from you that I do not feel the inward call to be a minister of the
gospel that I shall have to say I have felt when the Bishop ordains
me. I try to get this feeling, I pray for it earnestly, and
sometimes half think that I have got it, but in a little time it wears
off, and though I have no absolute repugnance to being a clergyman and
trust that if I am one I shall endeavour to live to the Glory of God
and to advance His interests upon earth, yet I feel that something
more than this is wanted before I am fully justified in going into the
Church. I am aware that I have been a great expense to you in spite of
my scholarships, but you have ever taught me that I should obey my
conscience, and my conscience tells me I should do wrong if I became a
clergyman. God may yet give me the spirit for which I assure you I
have been and am continually praying, but He may not, and in that case
would it not be better for me to try and look out for something
else? I know that neither you nor John wish me to go into your
business, nor do I understand anything about money matters, but is
there nothing else that I can do? I do not like to ask you to maintain
me while I go in for medicine or the bar; but when I get my
fellowship, which should not be long, first, I will endeavour to
cost you nothing further, and I might make a little money by writing
or taking pupils.
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