The price he had had to pay for this boon
was light as compared with the boon itself. What is too heavy a
price to pay for having duty made at once clear and easy of fulfilment
instead of very difficult? He was sorry for his father and mother, and
he was sorry for Miss Maitland, but he was no longer sorry for
himself.
It puzzled him, however, that he should not have known how much he
had hated being a clergyman till now. He knew that he did not
particularly like it, but if anyone had asked him whether he
actually hated it, he would have answered no. I suppose people
almost always want something external to themselves, to reveal to them
their own likes and dislikes. Our most assured likings have for the
most part been arrived at neither by introspection nor by any
process of conscious reasoning, but by the bounding forth of the heart
to welcome the gospel proclaimed to it by another. We hear some say
that such and such a thing is thus or thus, and in a moment the
train that has been laid within us, but whose presence we knew not,
flashes into consciousness and perception.
Only a year ago he had bounded forth to welcome Mr. Hawke's
sermon; since then he had bounded after a College of Spiritual
Pathology; now he was in full cry after rationalism pure and simple;
how could he be sure that his present state of mind would be more
lasting than his previous ones? He could not be certain, but he felt
as though he were now on firmer ground than he had ever been before,
and no matter how fleeting his present opinions might prove to be,
he could not but act according to them till he saw reason to change
them.
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