They had been the first to say
that he ought to run such a race; they would also be the first to trip
him up if he took them at their word, and then afterwards upbraid
him for not having won. Achievement of any kind would be impossible
for him unless he was free from those who would be for ever dragging
him back into the conventional. The conventional had been tried
already and had been found wanting.
He had an opportunity now, if he chose to take it, of escaping
once for all from those who at once tormented him and would hold him
earthward should a chance of soaring open before him. He should
never have had it but for his imprisonment; but for this the force
of habit and routine would have been too strong for him; he should
hardly have had it if he had not lost all his money; the gap would not
have been so wide but that he might have been inclined to throw a
plank across it. He rejoiced now, therefore, over his loss of money as
well as over his imprisonment, which had made it more easy for him
to follow his truest and most lasting interests.
At times he wavered, when he thought of how his mother, who in her
way, as he thought, had loved him, would weep and think sadly over
him, or how perhaps she might even fall ill and die, and how the blame
would rest with him.
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