Why can't you love me?'" And then--he flung down the cover of his desk and
rushed away home.
"Why did I think of Alice?" he asked himself. And the answer came--because
in those days, in the days of his youth, he had had beliefs, high
principles; he had been incapable of this slavery to appearances, to vain
show, incapable of this passion for reputation regardless of character. His
weaknesses were then weaknesses only, and not, as now, the laws of his
being controlling his every act.
He smiled cynically at the self of such a few years ago--yet he could not
meet those honest, fearless eyes that looked out at him from the mirror of
memory.
He was triumphant, but self-respect had gone and not all the thick
swathings of vanity covered him from the stabs of self-contempt.
"When I am really free, when the paper is paid for and I can do as I
please, why not try to be a man again? Why not? It would cost me nothing."
But a man is the sum of _all_ his past.
XXVI.
IN POSSESSION.
Stokely arranged the loan, and within six months Howard was controlling
owner of the _News-Record._ There was a debt of a million and a
quarter attached to his ownership, but he saw how that would be wiped out.
Once more he threw himself into his work with the energy of a boy.
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