And I strained to perceive what I now heard, that free-will was
the cause of our doing ill, and Thy just judgment of our suffering
ill. But I was not able clearly to discern it. So then endeavouring to
draw my soul's vision out of that deep pit, I was again plunged
therein, and endeavouring often, I was plunged back as often. But this
raised me a little into Thy light, that I knew as well that I had a
will, as that I lived: when then I did will or nill any thing, I was
most sure that no other than myself did will and nill: and I all but
saw that there was the cause of my sin. But what I did against my
will, I saw that I suffered rather than did, and I judged not to be my
fault, but my punishment; whereby, however, holding Thee to be just, I
speedily confessed myself to be not unjustly punished. But again I
said, Who made me? Did not my God, Who is not only good, but
goodness itself? Whence then came I to will evil and nill good, so
that I am thus justly punished? who set this in me, and ingrated
into me this plant of bitterness, seeing I was wholly formed by my
most sweet God? If the devil were the author, whence is that same
devil? And if he also by his own perverse will, of a good angel became
a devil, whence, again, came in him that evil will whereby he became a
devil, seeing the whole nature of angels was made by that most good
Creator? By these thoughts I was again sunk down and choked; yet not
brought down to that hell of error (where no man confesseth unto
Thee), to think rather that Thou dost suffer ill, than that man doth
it.
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