For I said with myself,
"Be it done now, be it done now." And as I spake, I all but enacted
it: I all but did it, and did it not: yet sunk not back to my former
state, but kept my stand hard by, and took breath. And I essayed
again, and wanted somewhat less of it, and somewhat less, and all
but touched, and laid hold of it; and yet came not at it, nor
touched nor laid hold of it; hesitating to die to death and to live to
life: and the worse whereto I was inured, prevailed more with me
than the better whereto I was unused: and the very moment wherein I
was to become other than I was, the nearer it approached me, the
greater horror did it strike into me; yet did it not strike me back,
nor turned me away, but held me in suspense.
The very toys of toys, and vanities of vanities, my ancient
mistresses, still held me; they plucked my fleshy garment, and
whispered softly, "Dost thou cast us off? and from that moment shall
we no more be with thee for ever? and from that moment shall not
this or that be lawful for thee for ever?" And what was it which
they suggested in that I said, "this or that," what did they
suggest, O my God? Let Thy mercy turn it away from the soul of Thy
servant.
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