But
through my miserable encumbrances I sink down again into these lower
things, and am swept back by former custom, and am held, and greatly
weep, but am greatly held. So much doth the burden of a bad custom
weigh us down. Here I can stay, but would not; there I would, but
cannot; both ways, miserable.
Thus then have I considered the sicknesses of my sins in that
threefold concupiscence, and have called Thy right hand to my help.
For with a wounded heart have I beheld Thy brightness, and stricken
back I said, "Who can attain thither? I am cast away from the sight of
Thine eyes." Thou art the Truth who presidest over all, but I
through my covetousness would not indeed forego Thee, but would with
Thee possess a lie; as no man would in such wise speak falsely, as
himself to be ignorant of the truth. So then I lost Thee, because Thou
vouchsafest not to be possessed with a lie.
Whom could I find to reconcile me to Thee? was I to have recourse to
Angels? by what prayers? by what sacraments? Many endeavouring to
return unto Thee, and of themselves unable, have, as I hear, tried
this, and fallen into the desire of curious visions, and been
accounted worthy to be deluded.
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